acidicwit

Today I was supposed to be happy. Apparently, not all things happen the way you expect them to be. Of course, nearing thirty, I should have known that by now. I have this big issue when it comes to expectations. I am so frustrated.

acidicwit

Apparently, it could have been easier to stay away. Well, although I cannot be technically distant from them, I have reasons to be believe I will be emotionally distant for a long time.

I just told one of my subordinates to clear her head of all the garbages that are in there. She has this blasted problem with her ex-boyfriend with whom she' trying hard to make up with. The guy does not want her anymore. All the time, she almost cannot talk of anything else but that and I just got tired of it. I easily get tired of a lot of things.

I told her that she cannot move on because she refuses to. The one-on-one session that we had was all mushy. I did not want to be rude but what can I do? Someone in this blasted planet has to talk sense into her head. I told her to grow up and stop dragging everybody.

Most of my subordinates are girls. I have a total of twelve, four of whom are males--out of which two are--well, gay.

One of the straight guys is a fucked up sonofabitch that I will get fired soon. The other one is currently dealing with a big mess in his life. A mess he does not want me to be a part of because he never really got me involved. He never told me anything and I will never ask. I had to pressure people to find things out.

One of the gay guys is a drinking buddy who is so content with what he have right now. The other is someone I have not met yet but I will soon.

The other girls have kids from failed relationships. Another one is a weirdo who keeps pictures of women in her office computer. This weirdo is someone I trust, aside from another one who I am grooming to replace me soon.

It took too long to get us where we are. I am unsure if I am wasting it away or they are. I am unsure, too, if I am inadvertently setting expectations--that I have changed.

acidicwit

Not Forever by Popsicle
 
Still can't believe some of
The things I never told
I hardly touch the phone
I don't know who to call
You're my relief and you're
The one who makes me cry
I'm trying to figure out
Some way
To get on by

Cause I can change I'm not the same
Not forever
What can I say I'm not OK
I wish I was
I want you back I want a time
I can remember
It's as simple as I say
I can change I'm not the same
Not forever

So I got out at nights
Take walks down easy street
So talkative
No matter who I see
I wake up shaking
Not alone but on my own
I need some other guide
To help
Me get back home

You want this part of me
The songlines in your mind
That's who I'm trying to be
And that's what you will find
If you just let me in take me back
Closer than we ever were
I promise it's for real

I have changed I'm not the same
Not forever
What can I say I'd be OK
And so would you
If you came back if you were here
You would remember
It's as simple as I say
I can change I'm not the same
It's as simple as I say
I can change I'm not the same

acidicwit

A lot.

There is too much bullshit going on and I am now unsure what to do. My work is a crashing bore. There is connivance and lack of loyalty abounding everywhere. My work is not appreciated and there is no one really I can talk to. I feel like people don't want me around because they do not need me around anymore.

Too much hardwork and you get drowned in a sea of tasks--things that are done behind the scenes that no one sees. I am mentally exhausted and emotionally drained.

I wish I could be angry once again. The same anger I had back in the heydeys of my teenage angst.   

Maturity is my anti-thesis.

acidicwit

Ingratitude.  There is a lot of it out there. So beware.

Lies. Much more.

Deceit. Abounding.

acidicwit

The mystery is gone.

And so am I.

acidicwit

My company sent me to Austin, Texas for five days to visit our client, learn a few things--which I never really did--and look at how they do things from their end, after which I flew straight to Monterrey, Mexico to help out in the critical issues our counterparts were experiencing over there.  

I work in a call center, a job despised by many and even claimed to be for bird brains only. (I have serious intentions of resigning because I am paid really low.)

Anyway, I stayed in Monterrey from August 13-September 20 practically beating the shit out of my head to find certain ways to mitigate damages in operations in terms of the quality of service provided to our customers.

I never got to learn Spanish and I never intend to. There was a time in my life in which I got serious into learning Spanish but that desire has died down years before I went to Monterrey, along with many other things that I intended to do.

I never realized that there are things I will never be able to do. I used to firmly believe that I can always accomplish anything realistic as long as I set my mind to it. Now I know it is all baloney. I was wrong.

If you have landed in a foreign country, you will know how I felt when I got to Mexico. Actually, it came a surprise to me that almost practically no one spoke English outside the airport and outside the call center company that I was sent to.  

Getting a toothpaste was a real pain, not to mention having to navigate your way through the big city. I had to eat tacos and burritos everyday. If there was a real payback, it was the cabrito, a roasted baby goat that never tasted solid food, only its mother's milk. It is probably the counterpart of the veal--cows that were shackled to keep the meat tender.

My stay was not at all worthy of remembering. It was all okay when I was at the office. It was during the night that the stress of being away was almost unbearable. I had to get drunk everyday. I really had to. 

I only had 15 channels in my hotel room and 13 of them were in Spanish. I had to amuse myself--if you can call it that--and keep myself abreast with the real world through instant messaging and text. 

Words flew. Things were said. Things that changed things. Pathetic.

My subordinates were left in the Philippines, and there were several things that happened while I was away--things that I don't want to think as my fault but bothers me a lot. I do not think this is the proper forum to disclose those things, especially because these things will just show the entire world how bitter I am. 

I am bitter again after all these years. I thought I will find something fulfilling by getting emotionally involved with people. Wrong again. Booby traps everywhere!!! 

For the first time in six years, I got a new hairdo. I grew my hair to a stupid-looking 1970's hippies long-hair as early as 2002. I rarely wore it untied because I still wanted to to look neat and all, especially in my industry in which "neatness" is an issue.

I just had to cut my hair, or I will go nuts. My ordeal in Mexico made me realize how tired I am, not only of work but also of people.

I went back to my people a stranger. It was weird. I expected a warm welcome. There wasn't almost any. Words can deceive. And it was really ironic that I fell victim to my own strength.

I thought I can desensitize myself of the paranoia that I had by letting people into my world and making myself be a part of them. They shut me out. 

Getting rid of the trash out of my head was not enough. I had to die. My very own killed me.

It bothered me. It does not anymore. 

acidicwit

Too much alcohol and cigarettes reduced my once brilliant mind into doodley-squat.  And what annoys me the most is I never get to think anymore before I even act. I probably never did.

What used to be my protection against society's hypocrisy has become my very own downfall. I always wanted to be alone and it backfired. I sought for friends, tried to penetrate people, become part of a circle, only to realize no one gives a flying fig.  It was all wrong.

I spent years reading. I read because I am essentially alone. I wanted out. For a moment I thought I did.  

Jesus Christ. This is mushy and I am appalled by myself.

acidicwit

On Sunday, 22:55 hours.